life recently [3.9.18]

ahahaha I feel like this is a little old school because I used to posts like this alllllllll the time.   And, to be honest, it's been a minute since I've actually done of of these posts.  I kinda miss it, you know? When I go back and scan over all my posts, it's honestly so cool to see "life updates" from all these different stages and season in my life.  Wow.  That's where I was then.  Here's where I am now.  Change.  ASDJKLALSFHABQ

But that's life.  And I tell you -- growing up has got to be one of the strangest and most difficult things out there.  Though it makes it a lot easier when you know that all of your life is only for God.  Puts things in the right perspective.

r e a d i n g - OOOH man.  Reading has slacked so much for me recently.  But to be honest, I have read more this year so far than I usually have? Or maybe I've just read things that I actually enjoyed? I probably read two books so far this year that I've actually loved.  It's March.  AM I EVEN A BOOKWORM ANYMORE. I read some historical fiction by Ted Dekker that was decently good.  (i.e. the first book was good.  I've been in the process of reading the sequel for over a month.  so probably not as good.)  And I also read this historical romance novel? That sucked? Because romance is such a terrible genre? Yes?

But I definitely want to start reading more classic literature because I heard that will help for that SAT !!

w r i t i n g - HA.  okay.  So y'all know my novel is lost in the dark abyss of hardrive-failure-ness.  And it's still there.  I hope that we can get it out someday at least :,( IT'S SO FRUSTRATING.  You put all that plotting and planning into a novel...only to lost it.  bleh.  So I've just really lost a lot of motivation in general with that.  But I haven't stopped writing as a whole.  (oh no.  never.) I've been writing for the writer's group I'm part of, but that's pretty much it.  TRYING TO FIND THE MOTIVATION AGAIN YO.

b a k i n g - ahhh, wonderful baking.  I've been doing a fair amount of cooking/baking recently, though I have not been taking as many pictures of it as I usually do.  My camera has probably been untouched in several weeks, which is so sad honestly.   UGH.

t r y i n g - hard.  But sometimes, you have this vision of how you want your life to go.  You have this vision of things you want to do, things you want to accomplish within these time spans you set in your brain, things that you want to fall in place so you can live life.  But that doesn't happen.  And it doesn't make sense.  Like I said, growing up is crazy.  I know there's been a lot of silence on this blog over the past few months, and I don't want that to happen.  I love this blog.  So then I think back to why....why.  What have I been doing the last few months.  What's been going on in my life even?

Stress.

But that's not the word.  Yet it somehow manages to describe how I've been.  I have definitely not been stressed because of any busy schedule or anything.  In fact, it's probably the opposite.  Stress for the future.  Stress because oh no, suddenly in January of junior year I realize the SAT is a thing and it's really important and why has no one explained it to me.  Stress because college is coming up? Stress because I know that I need to go...it's important.  But stress because how do I get there? I've never prepared for a test like a SAT or ACT.  I don't know how to start.

But then...college in and of itself.  I have so many questions I can't begin.  My whole life I've heard people talk about college and bla bla bla and I've never really cared because it didn't affect me and wouldn't for a long time.  But then suddenly, it does.  worrying about the future = stress.  What college do I go to? Dorms? Community college? Out of state? Tuition? Moving OUT?!? I've never even thought about these things or planned for them in my whole life.  What do I do now? I have this vision for my life.  I know what I want to do, but I have no idea how to get there.  And suddenly I have this whole new chapter of life that I know I need but have no idea how to deal with.   Uncertainty.  w h a t am I going to do? Let alone the fact that two important classes you need to know for the SAT I've never even been taught and getting a great SAT score is a step in the right direction for any college plans.

And while I'm stressing over these things...life still happens.  This chapter of my life is only here once, and if I'm not embracing it, what's the point.  Life is about living in every single moment.  And if I can't do that because I'm worrying, that's not right.  And then there's allllll the million aspects to life: School, family, friends, God, health, my passions and interests (and so much more).  I'm just like

And hearing your peers rattle off their life plan like a planned script honestly doesn't really help.   Seeing people who seem to have it all together doesn't help. But people who, regardless of where they are, point you in the right direction? Those people are the real deal.

So when I look back over these past few months and summarize it all up...honestly, right now, I don't think I could be happy.  Who can have joy when there's so much practical stress?

except, i guess, when your faith in God is bigger than your fear.  And lol @ how easy that can be to write out, but how hard it is to live out.  Yet, for me, I know that at the end of the day, my life is dedicated to God, and He gave me this life.  It's not of my own doing.  So, ultimately...peace will win, fear will lose.  The going can be freaking hard, but Jesus.  His answers are life.  literally.

l i s t e n i n g - OHHHH.  Recently I've been listening to The Greatest Showman soundtrack.  The music is so beautiful.  Also Peace & When the Fight Calls. 

p l a n n i n g - lol the future but already covered that in great detail ^^^.  The future is in GOD'S HANDS.  Also, my family might go on a vacation this summer? WE HAVE NOT GONE ON A VACATION IN YEARS.  This could be amazing.  If we would, one thing I would love to maybe do is vlog it? Maybe? I might, MIGHT also go to Canada this summer.  That's very much up in the air, but we'll see!

t h a n k f u l    f o r -  pillow covers from H&M that are really cute and my room is slowly coming together.   the fact that this past weekend proved to me that I actually do have some real friends who pull through like real friends do.  WHAT A HUMBLING FEELING.  butter pecan ice cream & chocolate cake made with black cocoa powder (so dark).  target home decor shopping trips (they give me life design inspiration).  confidence that comes through Christ.  dresses.  warm days in winter.  snow days where we get one inch of snow LOL.  my phone.  laughter.  events.   

w a n t i n g    t o - Start! Planning! The! Garden! For! This! Summer!

l e a r n i n g - how to cut negative people and negativity from my life.

t h i n k i n g - about how I got up at 4:30 this morning for a school fundraiser >_< And actually, we were selling subs and once my group finished our route of delivering them, we stopped in at McDonald's and heard an employee saying she could just eat a sub.  So we stopped her and explained who we were and asked if she'd want to buy one.  SHE BOUGHT TWO.  And then we sold two more to her employees.  whaaaaa 

s k a t i n g - is going great & I love it!! I'm really thankful because yo Jesus helps in every area of life.  I got a new coach last month, and I've been learning a lot of new things which is amazing.  If there's one thing I've learned from figure skating, it's that dedication and practicing till you hate it is what helps you get better.  If I'm on the ice practicing something that I just! can't! get! but I do it again and again and still seem to not get it, the next day I'm on the ice, I'll be better at that element.  It's crazy, but it works.  Hard work and dedication make the dream work (to borrow the colloquialism).

r e a l i z i n g - I've missed doing posts like these :) 

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how are you, friends? 

xx
autumn